BONUS WEDNESDAY VIDEO UPDATE

The Connowlsseur has returned! Yes, my latest owl related greeting card related rival has resurfaced to leave another disturbing piece of "art" coiled on my lawn.

Sweet Jesus, what the hell is this??? Seriously, somebody tell me what the hell is going on in this picture? As far as I can discern, it appears to be some type of (yet to be discovered) bearded owl. The owl is having difficulty maintaining the size and proportions of his terrifying iris-es, so he resorts to putting a wing to the wind and putting a retarded fedora on his head. (The careful observer might also notice the owl has a GHOST BALLOON tied to his lefternmost talon.) If she truly intends this to be a greeting card, I only hope it's the kind that you send to dying strangers to serve as a portent of death, much like the shriek of a banshee, or the Shrek of the Third.

I also found this.

Firstly, I don't believe she is sorry about anything. Secondly, I have no idea who (or what) "Sabbaticowl" is. Is it the name of her mangy steed, flying her across the country on his hulking mass of sinewy bones? Or is it the name of a lover, flying her across his (or her) genitals on his (or her) hulking mass of sinewy bones?

I know sinewy bones are involved somehow.

Or, more diabolic"OWL" still... could "Sabbaticowl" be some kind of drug? A pill you take when you simply can't come up with a single, coherent owl pun?

I THOUGHT WE WERE KEEPING THIS CLEAN, CONNOWLSSEUR. God knows the only recreational substances I ever touch are my famous bleach milkshakes, and they're more like performance debilitating drugs than performance enhancing. IF YOU ARE JUICING, CONNOWLSSEUR, just pee somewhere. I got a big lawn.

And if I may say, Connowlsseur, you are fooling no one with your cut out, upside down "M".

Do you really expect me to believe there were no "W"s anywhere?

Better luck next time.

And now... a video of me opening a paycheck.

Owl Related Government Contracts

Good news, everybody! It appears that Connie the Connowlsseur is in a state of remission at the moment. Who knows how long this temporary cease fire will last. Hopefully forever, but what are the "OWL"dds of that happening? I think I'll take advantage of this uneasy truce to get this new month started right. And by right, I mean...

...THEMATICALLY.

So here's the first draft in a series of documents I plan to pitch to various government sectors.

This is the top half of a redesigned jury summons for the city of Los Angeles. Everyone hates jury duty now, but imagine if you were told to appear before the Los Angeles Court of Appeals...

...BY AN OWL.

WITH A TIE.

So if you're a mayor, or something retarded like that, convo me about what I can do to make your city a better place to live through the power of owls.

It Begins... Again.

Well, earlier last week, after recieving another anonymous phone call from Michael telling me to check my mailbox, I found this:

Rounds are officially being fired in this, only the second owl related greeting card related conflict of the 21st century. This little gem is a depiction of some variety of horrible owl / shamrock hybrid, that, undoubtedly, is being groomed  for destruction by my newest arch nemesis "The Connowlsseur", or "Tavia" for short. Of course, the demented manifesto that I've come to find scrawled haphazardly across the back of all of her documents was, unsurpisingly, present.

Well, this most recent embr"owl"glio has been going on for a while now, and I can tell that she is struggling. As Clarence Darrow once said, "Simply suggesting your own pr"owl"ress is in itself exemplary of the speaker's lack thereof." And who is she to say that the burn that I'm feeling isn't herpes?

SHE IS NOT A DOCTOR.

After all, as Clarence Darrow once said, "This is strictly off the record, but I could take or leave the poor."

Needless to say, this insult will be repaid. May I introduce the next flying mortar in this unending owl related greeting card related nightmare.

...or, consider the alternate version...

Your move, "Connowlsseur."

This is Getting out of Hand

Well, I was chilling out today watching this when I was contacted by a private number telling me to look on my porch.

Guess what I found. Not 3 days after I defeat my unnamed artist arch nemesis in the ancient battling method of owl related greeting card-ery, I find a disturbing picture of some kind of Japanese off-model Tweety Bird taped to my porch. Not only that, but on the back, there was this...

I choose not to translate this shoddily assembled scrawling. I can barely read it myself. Sufficient to say, this was the act of an amateur, mentioning one of her cohorts by name (Michael.) Also, enlisting the help of a friend of mine (Michael,) much less one that I've known since 4th grade, is not what I'd call a master stroke. The note did smell very nice, however, so I'll give her that.

But that is all I will give her.

After taking the note to my crime lab (my room) I was able to compose this sketch of what this mysterious "Connowlsseur" looks like.

I do NOT take orders from people with poop in their pants unless they did it ironically.

I was just about ready to hang up the old owl related greeting card hat and chaps (yes I do own those) until this happened.

This blog is just getting started.

What started as a simple 12 hour owl related greeting card challenge has apparently escalated into a full-out owl related greeting card war. A war that, I'm certain, will leave nobody walking away victorious except me.

And now I invite you, my friends, to follow this blog, or at least check back every week, to see how the coming nightmare will unfold. Until next week, I will leave you this CHARMING and HILARIOUS owl related greeting card. (Hopefully this will wake up my new nemesis, who I'll begin referring to as "Connie", and convince her and Michael to get out of the owl related greeting card game before they get in too deep.)

For the Germans

I couldn't help but notice that, firstly, of the 5000 hits this blog has so far, 4000 of them are from "Reddit".

I do not know what "Reddit" is.

On top of that, I have noticed that a good amount of traffic is from Germany, my favorite member of the EU (barring Moldova.) In as such, I am going to attempt for the first time to do a very special German owl related greeting card (Euleartverwandtgrußkarte.)

After all, as die Poeten say, in der Liebe und im Krieg ist "EULE"s erlaubt.

You try being clever in eine Fremdsprache.

OH and in case you were wondering...

I totally forgot to actually link to the owl related greeting card in question that my arch nemesis created that began this owl related greeting card shitstorm to begin with.

CLICK HERE IF YOU DARE

Thanks to me, neither you nor any of your loved ones (or step-children) will ever have to deal with this kind of insanity ever again.

You are welcome.

There is only one problem... after twelve hours of unrelenting owl related existense, sitting in the vacuum that remains, I feel... unfowlfilled. I'm afraid I have the sickness now, and it is an incurabowl one at that. Without an owl related song in my head and an owl related sketch on the page I am empty. There is nothing left but the resonant sound of the word "owl" ringing over and over and over again through the arid mesa that is my soul.

DO NOT PRAY FOR ME.

THE OWLS HAVE TAKEN ME.

WILL THE OWL RELATED NIGHTMARE CONTINUE?

WE'LL FIND OUT...

...EVENTU"OWL"LLY.

FINAL HOUR

THIS IS IT, PEOPLE. 12 HOURS OF NOTHING BUT OWL RELATED GREETING CARDS.

I wish I could say it was easy, but damn.

So many owls.

Here's a handy owl related greeting card. There are several uses for this baby.

1. Informing patient of a terminal illness
2. Informing partner of break up or divorce
3. Adorable suicide note

But is that really "owl", folks?

THERE IS MORE.

Owl related greeting cards are like narcotics, in that the more of them you involve yourself with, the sicker you become. And part of that sickness is a compulsion to create MORE owl related greeting cards. Like, say...

BAM! It's called going abowlve and beyowlnd the call owlf duty. (Does anyone else think it looks like Welsh when I do that?) Here is one extra owl related greeting card with...

Two - TWO - TWO PUNS IN ONE.

That's it, right? Actually, there's one more thing I want to say.

Not technically an owl related greeting card. It's more like an owl related prescription drug ad. My one regret is that I didn't have enough time to redraw the logo as "Ciowlis". (They just come to me!)

There is one thing I will never regret, though.

I will NEVER regret creating this blog. I will never forget the strength, v"owl"or, and bravery that I mustered to devote twelve straight hours to the production of owl related greeting cards.

I am a hero.

And while my unnamed artist arch nemesis is yet to make her position clear on the resounding pounding she received courtesy of me and my owls today, I can only imagine she is somewhere in the night, poking a crackling hearth deep in the belly of a mansion she crafted from a whale carcass (as is her custom.) And as she sits there, back crooked and teeth sharpened, I should hope a cold chill is running down her spine. For you see, the elaborate dream she crafted for herself is over. A new dawn is rising over the canyon walls, children. And much like the tawny, silent wings of a great swooping owl, it covers us all.

It covers us OWL.

HOUR 12

ONE MORE HOUR.

I know it says "Hour 12", and it's a twelve hour challenge, but there was no zero hour.

THERE WAS NO ZERO HOUR.

HOUR 11

Well, the anonymous bestial deviant that has been harassing my family (and step-child) with her depraved collection of vaguely owlish, undoubtedly satanic scribblings continues to stonewall me. All I can do is fight through the pain, and fork over one more owl related greeting card.

Can I really finish the TWELVE HOUR OWL RELATED GREETING CARD CHALLENGE?

We'll see.

HOUR 10

Entering the Dub-Dub-DOUBLE digits. My eyes hurt and my mouth tastes like the word "owl". Still, these owl related greeting cards are better than your pieces of shit.

Deal with it.