Monday, February 27, 2012

MedicinOWL Preparations

Well, it appears that I seem to have contracted a terrible case of pre-March malaise. This always seems to happen right after I get over my near annual bout of Rockin' Pneumonia. To celebrate the fact that I don't feel well, here's this Monday's owl related GET WELL card!


I would recommend that you send this card to anyone you've recently given a curable disease to. As for the people to whom you've blighted with incurable diseases (you know the ones,) don't bother sending them anything. The Dread Tuberculosis can't be wished away with greeting cards; only voodoo.

Monday, February 20, 2012

President's Day Bullroar

Why did I have class today? This is absolutely preposterous. The entire school district got the whole day off for President's Day today while my stupid college still had classes. My Lord, if only Abraham Lincoln could have seen the horror that occurred today. If he had witnessed me drive to either of the two classes I had today, I'm sure a single, noble tear drop would have fallen from the front of his skull because he is probably a skeleton by now. And if Andrew Jackson got word that I was being forced to sit quietly in a classroom for about an hour and then leave, I'm sure he would have thrown a righteous and valiant tantrum with his friend Teddy Roosevelt as they sat in the room that they share in Lunatic Hell. If Bill Clinton had known, I'm sure he would have pulled up to the school Ferris Bueller style and gotten me out of there as quickly as possible. George W. Bush would probably do that too, but I just think Bill Clinton is cooler. Well, even though I still had to go to class today, I'm still happy it's President's Day. And since there aren't many President's Day owl related greeting cards, I thought I'd make one for you to present to your presidential paramour this second-to-last Monday in February.

Monday, February 13, 2012

It's About Valen-TIME.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. This, of course, means that everyone will be acting like they are too cool to celebrate such a stupid holiday. Everyone will be saying that it is just another pointless day on the calendar that only serves to fatten the wallets of the Big Heart-Shaped-Box-Of-Chocolates lobby. They will all make the same joke, over and over again, about how they're spending Valentine's with their one true love: THE TV! (I'M ALREADY LAUGHING.) Even worse, some people may even go so far as to pollute our internet by indulging not on the hearts with the things written on them, but in the self pity that ferments every time they off-handedly mention how they don't have a date for the big Valentine's Ball, or whatever it is that couples do on the 14th. Granted, I'm already doing my fair share of belly aching (and it's not even Valentine's yet! I'm the first! I win!) but I still respect Valentine's Day. Of course, a lot of this may spring from the fact that I, as a hobbyist cardier, assign meaning to these holidays for my bread and butter. But I happen to think that Valentine's should be special. There are 364 other days of the year where one can spew vitriol about being "FRIENDZONED" or about how true love will never find a delicate, beautiful snowflake such as, I'm guessing, YOU. I say let's just dedicate one day a year to the appreciation of human love, regardless as to how separated someone is from it. It is a fascinating evolutionary adaptation, after all. And the ONLY romantic comedy anyone is allowed to watch is Groundhog Day. Katherine Heigl will be fine without young women identifying with her quirky antics for 24 hours. Self pity can be shelved until the 15th, gifts will be tasteful and not carried to the USA on the bloody stump-hands of a Nigerian orphan / guerilla warrior, and everyone, regardless of relationship status, gets to enjoy CANDY. That sounds like a pretty awesome Valentine's Day to me. Oh well, maybe next year.


Happy Valentine's, everybody! And Whitney Houston, if you're reading this, thank you for demanding less attention in life than you've commanded so far in death.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Love, OWLmerican Style

This is a card perfect for secret lovers in twilight embraces. Fart fart diarrhea. Nobody's reading any of this anyways, so here we go!


After all, Valentine's Day is 8 days from now! Poop poop doobee doo-doo.