Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The End

As I've been mentioning throughout the past few weeks, this will be the final post on My Owls Are Better. I'm concluding the blog only because one year seems to be a sufficient amount of time to keep something like this going. The header that has always been at the top of this website has never and will never describe exactly how bizarre it is that what started as a prank turned into a year long project that has attracted the stares of thousands. I myself am still speechless at the sheer magnitude of the absurdity of this blog, and I must admit that there is a small part of me that wanted to close up shop months ago after the lunacy dissolved into what I felt was banality. As to whether or not an outside observer could stroll past this website and not smirk at how outlandish it is to devote a year of one's life to creating owl related greeting cards, I cannot say. In fact, one thing that kept me going was the knowledge that each new card added another brick into the temple of frivolous obsession that I was constructing and that I would not be content until I felt secure that someone like me would, someday, hack his way into the jungle, even if it was only once, to visit it to see if it was really as big as the locals said. As to whether or not the explorer agreed with or believed what was written on the walls doesn't matter as long as he saw that the men who built it cared enough to make it as grand as they could.

So many of my favorite TV episodes are series finales. The strange thing about me, though, is that I am far too sentimental to watch the last episode from any TV series without being properly emotionally prepared, which I find I never am. I wind up never seeing them out of fear that they would remind me simply that a TV show that I loved is gone. I don't want to live out a series finale here, even though I know I have no choice. As such, I'll simply discuss a thought that I've been entertaining lately, one formed throughout the year that I've posted to this blog.

Creative products are always reflective of what the creator was feeling at the time. This is a no-brainer. Everybody knows about the tormented mind of Beethoven and the broken heart of Van Gogh. I'm only now starting to realize that this carries over to every content creator. Things like children's books and sitcom scripts appear to be completely one dimensional at first blush, but I'm starting to realize that even things as base as these have to be inspired by something, and these inspirations likely spring from the same wells that the famous composers and painters of history probably drank from. I first noticed this after viewing a documentary about the fans and creator of the Rock-afire Explosion (the animatronic band that played at Showbiz Pizza until its dissolution into Chuck E. Cheese in the 90's.) The moment I'm thinking of came close to the end of the movie, before the creator of the group gives a tour of the workshop that he had frequented every day, long after the collapse of Rock-afire, yet nonetheless still had tools and benches that had not been touched since his workers left 20 years prior. He was reminiscing about the songs that he wrote for the robot musicians, still remembering many note-for-note. He thought of one that had particular significance to him; a birthday song. He wrote a birthday song that described, in its lyrics, the candles on a cake, and how each represented a year that had passed. The song itself could not be simpler, and the lyrics were, of course, basic and unambiguous enough to be performed by furry robots at a four year old's birthday party in a pizza parlor. But when he thought about the song, and (especially) when he thought about the friends that he sang it with, he began to cry. He thought about what the candles from the song meant to him, and how many candles he had lit since his workshop grew silent, and the feeling made him cry. Twenty years after Showbiz Pizza disappeared, that song; that short, simple song still spoke to its creator and, frankly, to me as well. The song was written for a pizza chain and was about nothing more than birthday candles, but had a depth and a message to it that rivaled any piece of high art that I've ever encountered. It's humbling to think that every piece of art that we may or may not recognize as art has a story like that behind it. Every creative product has within it a journal of the creator's feelings or passions or fears or loves. Every cartoon, every commercial, every Big Time Rush song was created by a human being and fueled by passion. Even things as silly as pre-recorded pizza parlor tunes come from emotional places sometimes.

Thoughts like that often make me think about the Tootsie Roll Pop commercial. It's one of the most well known commercials in America and is still on the air countless years after its debut, and I see it nearly every day. But I wonder how I would feel if I was April Winchell, the daughter of Paul Winchell, the man who did the voice of Mr. Owl and who passed away in 2005. I wonder what it must be like to be April, and to see that commercial. I wonder what it's like to have something so ordinary, something that is used to sell Tootsie Roll Pops, be a living time capsule of someone I love. And I wonder if April knows how I feel when I watch Pepper Ann, a show in which she was one of the stars (providing the voice of Lydia Pearson.) Pepper Ann was one of the shows that defined my bringing-up, and when I watch it today it makes me feel like I'm home again. There aren't a lot of things in this universe that make me as happy as that TV show does. I wonder if she knows that what she did to get a paycheck 15 years ago was a major contribution to one of the biggest influences on my young life. I guess what I'm scratching at is that every creative endeavor touches at least one person. It can touch the creator, the observer, or both. And it doesn't matter if the endeavor was a Disney cartoon or a Tootsie Roll Pop commercial or a song from the Showbiz Pizza jukebox. Frankly, it doesn't even matter if it's owl related greeting cards. Every piece of content is a piece of someone's heart. I remind myself of that constantly, and it makes the world infinitely more humbling than it was before.

I guess I just felt like mentioning that to reassure myself that I didn't waste a year. It is surreal, though, to see my cards now. Each holiday and each sentiment sentenced to paper now serves as a painfully personal timeline of May 2011 to May 2012 from my life. It isn't that I have any regrets or that I had a bad time, but it is a little scary to see how an entire year can fly by so rapidly and then be neatly stacked and put in a shoebox. But I'm not scared, and this really isn't the end of anything. Summer vacation starts soon, I'm going to be buying a new computer sometime this week (hopefully) and I'm praying that I get Sunday off so that I can go get drunk at a soccer game with my friends. I'm going to leave it at that. There isn't going to be a final card tonight. Maybe someday I'll draw one, and I'll probably revise some old ones, but I've got too much on my plate right now. I've got a busy day tomorrow, and you probably do to. I'll probably see you around.

Monday, April 23, 2012

The Second to Last ORGC EVER

Now that this blog is a week away from shutting down forever, I'd like to offer up an owl related greeting card that probably would be more useful to me than it would to you.

You see, I do many, many regrettable things. This generally wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that I never realize that I've done something awful to someone else until at least a week after the fact. Since our time together is brief, I cannot afford to apologize to every person that I have hurt. I feel instead that it would be far easier to simply list the things that I will NEVER apologize for, and if what I did to you is not on the list, then consider yourself apologized to.

Scott will never apologize for...

...cutting in front of those ladies at Gloria's to get my margarita first. (THE BARTENDER MADE EYE CONTACT WITH ME.)

...going to Washington, D.C. and telling that John Adams impersonator that he looked like a zombie Liberace.

...yelling at Oprah's motorcade.

...breaking that accordion.

...peeing in the sink.

...getting drunk and trying to make friends with that wedding party in St. Louis. (They should've been happy I wasn't trying to make ENEMIES with them.)

...yelling in the middle of that cookware demonstration.

...making a poorly recieved joke about Pakistan at the school talent show.

I feel a lot better about myself now, especially since now I no longer have to personally apologize to any of you jerks. A little catharsis is always therapeutic.

Make sure you tune in next week for the LAST OWL RELATED GREETING CARD EVER.


Monday, April 16, 2012

Coming Out of the Gates

The applications for this week's card should be obvious.

If you are any combination of L, B, and/or G, then you probably are aware of how awkward it is to tell your family and friends that you are a combination of L, B, and/or G. With this card, the awkwardness is whisked away. Simply deliver this card to those WASPy parents of yours, and watch as the owl does the talking for you. Your father can't yell obscenities at a greeting card and your mother can't stare blankly, confusedly, and sadly at a cartoon owl in a vest!


Perhaps you've made a crucial misstep in the world of romance, and you must break it off with a paramour with feelings on both sides remaining intact. Telling her or him that you're gay is the oldest trick in the book, and makes you look like an idiot. HOWEVER, IF YOU TELL HIM OR HER THAT YOU'RE GAY AND YOU HAVE AN OWL RELATED GREETING CARD TO PROVE IT, THEN SHE OR HE WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BELIEVE YOU AND TO STOP TEXTING YOU!


This card would also be a great invitation to a coming-out party so that your guests will know long in advance exactly what they have in store.

Who would have thought that one simple card would have so many uses?


Monday, April 9, 2012

Here Comes Peter CottontOWL

Easter is a pretty nice holiday. It's not as big as Christmas, but it's not as small as Veteran's Day. It's right in the midddle, and I appreciate that. But my favorite thing about Easter still is, and always will be, buying discounted candy after the holiday is through. I've been doing it since I've had a driver's license, and have been trying to spread the joy to my friends by telling them of this practice or inviting them to come along. Shocking few of them, it seemed, participated in the past.

...But not this guy. I never EVER pass up Easter candy, the finest of all candy. The genre of candy known as "Easter" has three of the best things invented included in its description: jelly beans, Cadbury cream eggs (ORIGINAL, NOT ORANGE OR CARAMEL OR MINI. IF YOU MENTION ANY OTHER VARIANT OF CADBURY EGG TO ME I WILL SHRIEK AT YOU. I WILL SHRIEK LIKE A DEMENTED GRACKLE UNTIL YOU LEAVE MY IMMEDIATE FIELD OF VISION) and marshmallow Peeps.

This year was no different from any other, in that, in one explosive, self-detrimental display, I heaved home two mighty sacks full of twenty dollars worth of clearance candy with the intent of having breakfast for the rest of the semester planned out already (it will be PEEPS.) In fact, here's an imagined dialogue that might happen if I told someone about my intentions.

Scott: Yo man, I just had Reese's for breakfast!

Man: You had candy for breakfast?

Scott: YES!


SO in spirit of the story of the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth, here's an owl related greeting card that I'm sure will apply, at very least, to me (and maybe you) sometime after my (or your) third bag of Hershey's Minis.

Monday, April 2, 2012

A Warm WOWLcome

In the spirit of the return of the long promised springtime, here's this week's owl related greeting card.

This would be a great card to give to a former employee who got frustrated and quit but had to come back after a couple of months because he couldn't find anywhere else to work. I can imagine no finer way to patronize an adult. This would also be great for a parent to give to a child who, after moving out, has to move back in after realizing that everything costs money. I can imagine no finer way to patronize an adult. This is also a great card to give to any tremendously dear friend who returns home to seek asylum from the bleak, boggy madness that is Arkansas, even if she can only stay for three months before being carted back in a cage hewn from elk cadavers and window decals of Calvin either peeing on the Quran or praying with cowboys.

Monday, March 26, 2012


I felt like I would give you guys a break from the usual owl related greeting card this week in order to present a list of the questions that I am, in real life, most frequently asked regarding this blog. I am doing this to dissuade any of you from asking me these questions, as they are innocuous but demoralizing in a way you do not realize.

Q: Whatever happened to that blog you had?

A: I still have it

Q: Really? When was the last time you updated it?

A:  Monday

Q: Do you still update it?

A: Yes; every Monday

Q: Do people still go there?

A: No

Q: Dude, you should turn it into a Tumblr.

A: That is not a question.

Q: Why isn't your blog a Tumblr?


I suppose a few of these questions could have been answered sooner. Frankly, I'm glad I'm answering them at all. You see, as of the last Monday in April, I will no longer be making owl related greeting cards or updating this blog weekly. May will mark the one year anniversary of the 12 hour owl related greeting card challenge, and I feel that 52 weeks is more than enough time to have spent designing cards and writing puns. I will be here with a few new greeting cards up until that point, however.



If that doesn't get anybody out there excited about card-based literature, then I give up. Also, dear friends and lovers, there is another announcement I'd like to make. I am being paid to mention that AT SUBWAY, the FIVE DOLLAR FOOTLONG for the month of April will be BOLOGNA MARINARA.

And you will buy it.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Owls for a Rainy Evening

Here's this week's owl related greeting card.

This is a great card for you to give to anybody who's retiring (as if I needed to tell you that. Oh Christ.) But, also, with a few dabs of white out blanking out the "Happy Retirement" on the bottom, this card would also be great to give to that family that's moving out of your neighborhood and who is not the same race as you. This way, you can guarantee that they won't spend hours talking, laughing, and gossiping about how racist you were. No one ever thinks the guy with the greeting cards is racist.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

"Uh oh... Monday was today..."

This week, if you are a Kollege Kid like me, is spring break. There is no finer time to shirk responsibility than this week. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's why they keep it around. As some of you might have noticed, I let my mind slip into vacation mode a little bit too heavily. What happened, simply put, is that I completely lost track of one day. Don't ask me what I was doing for that 24 hour blank, because, frankly, I'd have a difficult time trying to remember. This led to me, only last night, realizing twenty seconds after closing my eyes to go to sleep that, in fact, I had completely missed Monday, as well as a post on the ol' ORGCB.


After drawing my first owl related get-well-soon card, I decided that the health issues genre was an abundant one, ripe for card production. So I designed two (YES, TWO!) new cards that you could send to anyone who may be feeling a little under the wFEATHER!


This first card is largely only here to make up for last week. Technically I posted something, so it should be alright. However, shortly after deciding to shirk my owls for another marathon session of SimCity 2000, I was reminded of how much that game cheats. I was also reminded of how much that game blows and smells like poop and how much I HATE SIMCITY 2000. THE TORNADO JUST HAD TO GO RIGHT THROUGH THE POWER PLANT?! So here's a card!

I like this one. The nurse-owl has really long arms and really short legs. It looks like a gibbon, and that is funny to me. Now, here's yesterday's owl, TODAY!

If the occassion to buy this card ever appears, you'll recognize it. Hoo boy.

*Well, actually... now that you mention it...

Monday, March 5, 2012


I would love to grace all of you with a proper owl related greeting card tonight, but it seems that two things have captured my attention instead. Firstly, I feel very poorly due to lack of sleep. Secondly, I feel very awesome because I have spent the majority of my free time lately playing a game called SimCity 2000. I'm pretty sure they called it '2000' because it was the 2000th Maxis simulator game, coming out between SimBosnia and SimTides (the latter being the game where you got to control the tides. The interface unsurprisingly required only two buttons.) Thank God they eventually developed The Sims. Now they don't have to worry about revisiting popular and beloved franchises or coming up with new ideas.

Sadly, the time I've spent away from SimCity 2000 writing this post has made me break out into a flop-sweat. I need to return to the shockingly earthquake prone citizens that hate me and are only happy when their city is losing untold amounts of money while still sitting several bonds deep in debt. But hey, that's why they call me Mayor AAAAAA. Here's a transcription of a hallucination I suffer everytime I try to close my eyes!


Monday, February 27, 2012

MedicinOWL Preparations

Well, it appears that I seem to have contracted a terrible case of pre-March malaise. This always seems to happen right after I get over my near annual bout of Rockin' Pneumonia. To celebrate the fact that I don't feel well, here's this Monday's owl related GET WELL card!

I would recommend that you send this card to anyone you've recently given a curable disease to. As for the people to whom you've blighted with incurable diseases (you know the ones,) don't bother sending them anything. The Dread Tuberculosis can't be wished away with greeting cards; only voodoo.