Hey, in case you haven't been watching the news, I have spent the last week embroiled in a monumental battle with the murderous murder of telepathic crows that had been holding my blog hostage for the past month. It's pretty violent and visually stunning. I haven't taken any pictures, but here's some recollections of the ongoing showdown.
1. Crows blotting out moonlight
2. Scott knocking crows out of sky with baseball bat
3. "Sabotage" blaring from the smashed window of a flaming Impala
4. Crows lighting upon peace-keeping zookeepers; skeletons in khaki shorts
5. Scott blasting flamethrower wildly into thick cloud of grackles
I clearly have been busy, and still am. As I write this I am entrenched in a foxhole I dug out on the roof of a Ben and Jerry's (it's pretty shallow and full of shingles.) So instead of a card, please enjoy this The Gruff Zunko Show simulcast from September 19th.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 24, 2011
Yes... Still Crows.
Well, the crows are still here. In case you've been missing out on the drama because you're one of the many, many, many people who don't care, here's a recap. My quiet life of penning alternate history novels and drawing owl related greeting cards was interrupted recently by a roving gang of thousands of disgruntled crows. It was determined in Crow Court that I should be sentenced to a month of creating nothing but crow related greeting cards. I tried to launch a CAWbjection, but, of course, I was CROWverruled.
I have noticed something strange, however. Either I have begun to go native, or I have simply begun to see the beauty in crow-style living. They never wear clothes, and they can fly. That can be said about a lot of birds and several fish; but the crows carry with them a certain dignity. They also carry fish hooks with them so that they can hook peoples' ears or scalps or eyelids and fly away holding the other end of the line.
THEY ACTUALLY DO THIS ALL THE TIME. TRULY THEY ARE REMARCROWBLE ANIMALS.
So here's this week's crow related greeting card; straight from my heart to whichever bird functions as the heart within the single-minded flock of crows acting as one much larger entity in my back yard.
Here's a fun CROW FACT:
Did you know that there are several collective nouns assigned to describe a group of crows?
A murder of crows
A manslaughter of crows
A vehicular manslaughter of crows (only when each crow is driving a tiny RC car)
A counting of crows
A herd of crows
A rustle of crows
A cobra of crows (only when the group of crows has formed together to create a fully functioning cobra, complete with the ability to spit poisonous crows)
I have noticed something strange, however. Either I have begun to go native, or I have simply begun to see the beauty in crow-style living. They never wear clothes, and they can fly. That can be said about a lot of birds and several fish; but the crows carry with them a certain dignity. They also carry fish hooks with them so that they can hook peoples' ears or scalps or eyelids and fly away holding the other end of the line.
THEY ACTUALLY DO THIS ALL THE TIME. TRULY THEY ARE REMARCROWBLE ANIMALS.
So here's this week's crow related greeting card; straight from my heart to whichever bird functions as the heart within the single-minded flock of crows acting as one much larger entity in my back yard.
Here's a fun CROW FACT:
Did you know that there are several collective nouns assigned to describe a group of crows?
A murder of crows
A manslaughter of crows
A vehicular manslaughter of crows (only when each crow is driving a tiny RC car)
A counting of crows
A herd of crows
A rustle of crows
A cobra of crows (only when the group of crows has formed together to create a fully functioning cobra, complete with the ability to spit poisonous crows)
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Crows Remain
As I write this, dear reader(s?,) I am in the grips of disease. I would not be concerned, except for the fact that I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SICK WITH. Well, actually, I'm pretty sure it's food poisoning. But I DON'T KNOW WHERE I GOT FOOD POISONING FROM. It's actually really (really REALLY) interesting to think how I was able to embroil myself in a perfect storm of bacterial intrigue. In the hours before symptoms appeared, I consumed three things. Let's see if you can guess which one gave me painful and acute diarrhea!
First suspect: McDouble cheeseburger from an unnamed restaurant. Likely prepared by a thoughtless brute. This was at McDonalds, by the way.
Second suspect: Twix bar from an unnamed Walmart. Although stored at the standard Walmart room temperature of 48 degrees farenheit, when opened it was completely melted. Curious, to say the least.
Third suspect: Fried gum from the State Fair of Texas. Certainly prepared by a thoughtless brute. Although this seems the obvious culprit, wouldn't bowel obstruction be the calling card of this virulent delicacy?
It's a mystery to say the least. Well, I'll mince no further words, since the act of simply blogging about food poisoning, in my fragile state, is enough to make me pass out on the big 'ol plate of McDoubles and fried gum I have before me.
So here's this week's CROW RELATED GREETING CARD!
The funny thing was I saw Ronald McDonald at the state fair. Was this all a conspiracy? Was it all a fever dream? Or is there a secret in my colon that someone... or something... wants?
I doubt it.
First suspect: McDouble cheeseburger from an unnamed restaurant. Likely prepared by a thoughtless brute. This was at McDonalds, by the way.
Second suspect: Twix bar from an unnamed Walmart. Although stored at the standard Walmart room temperature of 48 degrees farenheit, when opened it was completely melted. Curious, to say the least.
Third suspect: Fried gum from the State Fair of Texas. Certainly prepared by a thoughtless brute. Although this seems the obvious culprit, wouldn't bowel obstruction be the calling card of this virulent delicacy?
It's a mystery to say the least. Well, I'll mince no further words, since the act of simply blogging about food poisoning, in my fragile state, is enough to make me pass out on the big 'ol plate of McDoubles and fried gum I have before me.
So here's this week's CROW RELATED GREETING CARD!
The funny thing was I saw Ronald McDonald at the state fair. Was this all a conspiracy? Was it all a fever dream? Or is there a secret in my colon that someone... or something... wants?
I doubt it.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Funny Page Follies Part Two
Seeing as it's not Monday, I felt that today was a good, good day to share with the rest of you what I do when I'm not making owl related greeeting cards on the back of envelopes. As most of you know, I am a syndicated cartoonist for over 100 newspapers across the Balkan Peninsula (including the Skopje Scoop, the Tirana Tribune, and the Bosnian version of Archie, called Teen-Teen dhe Kafkë Grusht.) Doing cartoons in the region is pretty easy, since most of the story arcs are simply cautionary tales involving landmine avoidance. The one comic that has made me a hut-hold name in the Balkans, though, is a simple daily called "Problemet Oposum." It revolves around a talking possum that is constantly befuddled by modern life. (I don't understand it's popularity. It isn't translated from English, and, in almost every village in the region, a talking possum is considered an omen that portends the death of a child.) Either way, thanks to "Problemet Oposum," I am rolling in the pennies that their currencies convert into.
Everyone should be lucky enough to write for Balkan audiences. The infant mortality rate is way high, but their expectations are way low.
Everyone should be lucky enough to write for Balkan audiences. The infant mortality rate is way high, but their expectations are way low.
Monday, October 10, 2011
The One Holiday I Hate
I hate Columbus Day.
I really do.
Let me begin by saying that I am from Texas, where, at least in my city, we never celebrated Columbus Day. In fact, let me present a brief timeline of the history of Columbus Day in my city.
1492 - 1995: No such thing as Columbus Day
1995 - 2008: Columbus Day is gradually discovered, considered a joke; like Arbor Day or Talk Like a Pirate Day
2008 - 2010: Mattress stores begin the savings
2011: Scott discovers that there are people in other parts of the country that get Columbus Day off (?!)
I'm very bitter about Columbus Day. I don't like it at all. It's a holiday where the only people who get a break are bank tellers and DPS clerks. Besides, it's a well known fact that Columbus himself only trekked out into the ocean because he was looking for a way to kill himself without the king thinking he was emo.
He couldn't even do that right.
So happy Columbus Day. I hate you. All of you.
I really do.
Let me begin by saying that I am from Texas, where, at least in my city, we never celebrated Columbus Day. In fact, let me present a brief timeline of the history of Columbus Day in my city.
1492 - 1995: No such thing as Columbus Day
1995 - 2008: Columbus Day is gradually discovered, considered a joke; like Arbor Day or Talk Like a Pirate Day
2008 - 2010: Mattress stores begin the savings
2011: Scott discovers that there are people in other parts of the country that get Columbus Day off (?!)
I'm very bitter about Columbus Day. I don't like it at all. It's a holiday where the only people who get a break are bank tellers and DPS clerks. Besides, it's a well known fact that Columbus himself only trekked out into the ocean because he was looking for a way to kill himself without the king thinking he was emo.
He couldn't even do that right.
So happy Columbus Day. I hate you. All of you.
Post-Script: I saw a headline in the newspaper recently that I felt lent itself to a lesson in capitalization.
Monday, October 3, 2011
THE CROWS ARE HERE
DO NOT BE ALARMED.
DO NOT BE ALARMED.
The blog, for the month of October, has been hijacked.
There will be no OWLctober this year, no; it will be...
OCT"CROW"BER.
The various CROWverlords and neCROWmancers have taken it upon themselves to demand that this month I make cards relating only to crows.
GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS CROWS.
If I refuse to submit, then the hundreds of crows sitting outside my window right now have made it clear that they are unafraid to fling themselves at my house until they beat a way in and begin ripping my skin apart one beak-ful at a time as the blood splashes against their expressionless, glassy eyes.
WE SING FOR THEE, CROWS.
As such, I'll set this OctCROWber off right by inviting you to join me in the honoring of the Flightless Trinity; also known as the most famous three crows who, as far as I know, can't fly.
Does anyone remember that part in Resident Evil where you had to rearrange the paintings on the wall; and if they were put in the wrong order, then a bunch of crows would come down and mess you up?
I don't.
DO NOT BE ALARMED.
The blog, for the month of October, has been hijacked.
There will be no OWLctober this year, no; it will be...
OCT"CROW"BER.
The various CROWverlords and neCROWmancers have taken it upon themselves to demand that this month I make cards relating only to crows.
GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS CROWS.
If I refuse to submit, then the hundreds of crows sitting outside my window right now have made it clear that they are unafraid to fling themselves at my house until they beat a way in and begin ripping my skin apart one beak-ful at a time as the blood splashes against their expressionless, glassy eyes.
WE SING FOR THEE, CROWS.
As such, I'll set this OctCROWber off right by inviting you to join me in the honoring of the Flightless Trinity; also known as the most famous three crows who, as far as I know, can't fly.
CRO
A robot. If you're wondering how he eats or breathes or other science facts; stop it.
CRO
A cave-boy. He befriends a wooly mammoth who becomes frozen in a glacier, only to be reanimated in the 90's. Needless to say, the mammoth's friend Cro is long dead. The mammoth tells stories, but only about Cro, as if his dear friend were still alive. He is not. He is lost in time; time that can never be reclaimed. This became a children's show.
MIKE CROW
Host of BIRDY Jobs
Yes, I can't help but feel as if I deserve to be held down on a table only by the threat of the thousand sharp beaks surrounding me as a mind-control corn cob is placed in my ear. Crows are far nobler creatures than owls and DESERVE ALL THE MICE ALL THE MICE ALL THE MICE CAWWW CAWW CAWWW CAWWW as their leader so eloquently put it. I've been wasting time with owls, a fact that, looking back, I can truly call... shall I say... RidiCROWlous. So I present to you, the reader, and to the light-swallowing cloud of crows silently watching me, the first ever CROW RELATED GREETING CARD.
Does anyone remember that part in Resident Evil where you had to rearrange the paintings on the wall; and if they were put in the wrong order, then a bunch of crows would come down and mess you up?
I don't.
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