Adventures in Residency PART 5: Intimate Passion

Before I display my next cards, I'd like to take this moment to warn my readers that the following post contains adult situations (the sexual ones) and suggestive owls.

IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO SEE THESE, CAST YOUR COMPUTER TO THE FLOOR IMMEDIATELY, AND SCREAM "NOOO!!!"

Although it comprises the majority of issues with cohabitation, passive-aggressiveness and dishes are not the only things living partners or neighbors need to communicate about. There is only one other thing that must be discussed, and it is sex. Sex is defined by me as genital stimulation, and it is disgusting and ungodlike when it's not you. It is an irritating and sickening activity when you're not involved directly. And yet, when living with or around people, sex becomes an issue more frequently than wetland preservation ever will.

The act of "walking in" on people engaged in congress doesn't happen only in Woody Allen movies.

It happens in real life, too.

This is a misstep that is awkward for the sexual participants, the "walker-inner," (or WI,) and, tragically, happens all too often.

So I've created a nifty little card that you and your partner can hang on the outside of whatever facility you decide to slap around in that ensures no interlopers will ever have to see that weird birthmark of yours again.

This card is perfect for dorms, apartments, or hotels that want to carry 'Do Not Disturb' signs that don't suck hardcore. (Don't let the dotted line on the top turn you off; it looks like, once cut, it could only be hung on a doorknob. I realize that many of you do not have doorknobs. To accommodate you people I've tested it on pine boughs, tent flaps, aquarium glass, bead curtains, pickup truck tailgate handles, jail bars, zoo bars, bomb shelter door latches, the automatic doors at Target, as well as on spinning bookcases and candlesticks that are also levers, and can assure you that the card works best with doorknobs.)

This card serves as a classy update on the old college 'necktie on the doorknob or freshman' trick, since nobody who goes to college needs neckties.

Here's an alternate version if you're like most people I know.

I know this is the card for you because I know you do it, and what you do is WRONG and SINFUL. And while Jesus might not be happy, at least you can squeeze as you please without the fear of someone walking in on THAT. (Here's a tip; if you walk by a door and see this on the doorknob, do not kick your way in unless you remember to turn the flash on your camera on first. The flash will daze the self-molester, and make him trip over his pants.)

If you've never needed this next card, you've never had neighbors.

And that about wraps it up for this month. What can we expect in September? Probably the same crap.

Adventures in Residency PART 4

I know I always update on Mondays, and I'm aware it's Tuesday, but go die; I was doing something more important.

AnyHOOOOO...

This is the card that's perfect for the person who shares a bathroom with someone. As we all know, the one who is forced to share a bathroom with another person will come to loathe that person as inevitably as the other person will act like a decent living partner for two months before revealing that they are in fact an INCONSIDERATE SWINE WHO, FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN THEIR OWN MALICIOUS LUST FOR DISORDER, REFUSES TO TAKE THEIR CLOTHES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AFTER SHOWERING. It's not easy, folks. So I decided to help take some of the burden off by creating a greeting card that will inform your living partner of your expectations without having to deal with the often awkward devoir of human interaction.

If people didn't like you before, I'm sure they'll like (read: tolerate) you now. Maybe.

And remember, tomorrow is Tuesday! Because it's Monday today!

And in honor of it being Monday, here's a fun owl joke you can tell to the tired people in the elevator!

What is an owl's favorite music? (Turn computer upside down to see answer.)

˙lǝıɹqɐƃ ɹǝʇǝd puɐ puɐq sʍǝɥʇʇɐɯ ǝʌɐp uǝǝʍʇǝq dn ssoʇ

Adventures in Residency PART 3: FUNNY PAGE FOLLIES

As much as I would love to do the usual owl related greeting card this week, my attention has been focused on something I can't help but feel is a little bit more important. You see, last week I stumbled upon possibly the funniest funny ever to appear in the sunday funnies.

THIS IS THE ACTUAL STRIP. UNEDITED.

I AM STILL LAUGHING.

I've been obsessed with this hilarious punchline since I posted this last week, so, instead of a greeting card, I feel I should treat you to an inside look at the Funky Winker-experiment I've been Funky Winker-tinkering with lately.

Everyone can see that the punchline in the above strip is VERY, VERY FUNNY.

But is the punchline still funny in other comic strips? Let's take a look.

Blondie (2011)

Red and Rover (2011)

Love Is... (2009)

Zoobooks (1995)

Boy's Life (Dink and Duff, 1996)

Kratt's Creatures (1996)

The Magic School Bus (1990)

I'm pleased with how that turned out. This experiment in Funky Winker-Humor opened my eyes to the true hilarity that is Tom Batiuk, and inspired me to clean my room when I realized that I still had issues of Boy's Life from 1996 sitting around.

Adventures in Residency PART 2

I was getting ready to do this week's owl update today the way I always do; by reading the newspaper from Saturday. Strangely enough, as I was scanning my horoscope (Capricorn, I is,) I noticed something strange about it.

I don't remember there being anything like that on Saturday, but I was asleep most of it.

Anyways, keeping in with this month's theme of roommates, here's a great passive aggressive greeting card for people who live together and are slowly starting to hate each other.

Trust me, guys, if there's one thing people dislike more than doing dishes, it's being reminded by someone (usually a woman, or "female,") to do the dishes. So instead of acting like the horrible, nagging shrew that you can feel yourself slowly becoming, leave this little cutie under your roommate's bedroom door.

PEOPLE LOVE IT WHEN YOU SLIP THINGS UNDER THEIR BEDROOM DOOR AND YOU LIVE IN THE SAME APARTMENT.

What many of you may not know is that the traditional soap-and-water-and-paraffin method of doing the dishes is starting to be seen by many as unnecessarily labor intensive and really waxy. Here's a tip from an old pro that I learned from when I worked at Graceland that you can use to wash the dishes without having to actually do the dishes.

1. Step 1: Coat your dishes in a mixture of one part molasses to two parts blood. (Don't ask me where to get the bood. All I'm going to say is that human blood works best. But again, I'm not telling you to do anything here, people.)

2. Step 2: Leave the blood and sugar caked dishes in a room that (and this is vital) your roommate uses, but only every once in a while.

3. Step 4: In a couple of days, that room will have become infested with various beetles and ants and possums that will have devoured the blood and molasses, as well as whatever gunk was on the dish.

5. Step 3: The dishes will be clean, but the animals will now have an insatiable thirst for human blood. This is your fault for using human blood. If you don't keep them fed, the beetles and ants will pick you to pieces before the sun rises in the morning. You won't feel anything, and you won't wake up until it's too late.

4. Step 3: Enjoy your sparkling clean dishes!

5. Step 3: Move.

But before I wrap things up... I was doing what I usually do on Mondays, (reading the funny pages from the Sunday before last,) when I stumbled upon this and couldn't stop laughing.

COMEDY GOLD.

Adventures in Residency PART 1

Well, it's August 1st. This is officialy the time of year where students start getting depressed that school is starting in a scant few days, unless they're nerds, in which case all they did this summer was write fan fiction and have nightmares about human interaction and are therefore talking about how they can't wait for school to start, which makes normal people become frustrated. And whether you are going off to college for the first time, moving off campus for the first time, or have become a pariah in the neighborhood you presently rent a house in because of that time you jogged pantsless past an open window as the elementary school down the street was letting out just because you started pooping and suddenly decided you wanted something to read, many of us are changing our living situations. So I've decided to make August a theme month. All of the material presented on this blog during August will be appropriate ways for people who live together to communicate with each other. I can't help but feel that this week's card is a great example.

This is a card that I feel would be appropriate for anyone to present to their new roommate, but I feel it's especially apt when a dude gives it to the other dude he's about to start sharing a dorm with. By doing this, the recipient will assume that this new guy is homosexual, or "gay," thereby ensuring that neither one of them will speak to or make eye contact with the other for the rest of the semester. If you've ever, EVER, shared a dorm with someone (even if you kinda liked him or her) you'll find that this is useful in speeding up the process of dorm level interaction (namely; outreach, awkwardness, masturbatory interruption, disdain, silence.) This card will expedite nature itself, streamlining the chain to simply awkwardness, silence, and masturbatory interruption if the floors don't creak. So check it out.

See ya next time, kids!