It Begins... Again.

Well, earlier last week, after recieving another anonymous phone call from Michael telling me to check my mailbox, I found this:

Rounds are officially being fired in this, only the second owl related greeting card related conflict of the 21st century. This little gem is a depiction of some variety of horrible owl / shamrock hybrid, that, undoubtedly, is being groomed  for destruction by my newest arch nemesis "The Connowlsseur", or "Tavia" for short. Of course, the demented manifesto that I've come to find scrawled haphazardly across the back of all of her documents was, unsurpisingly, present.

Well, this most recent embr"owl"glio has been going on for a while now, and I can tell that she is struggling. As Clarence Darrow once said, "Simply suggesting your own pr"owl"ress is in itself exemplary of the speaker's lack thereof." And who is she to say that the burn that I'm feeling isn't herpes?

SHE IS NOT A DOCTOR.

After all, as Clarence Darrow once said, "This is strictly off the record, but I could take or leave the poor."

Needless to say, this insult will be repaid. May I introduce the next flying mortar in this unending owl related greeting card related nightmare.

...or, consider the alternate version...

Your move, "Connowlsseur."

This is Getting out of Hand

Well, I was chilling out today watching this when I was contacted by a private number telling me to look on my porch.

Guess what I found. Not 3 days after I defeat my unnamed artist arch nemesis in the ancient battling method of owl related greeting card-ery, I find a disturbing picture of some kind of Japanese off-model Tweety Bird taped to my porch. Not only that, but on the back, there was this...

I choose not to translate this shoddily assembled scrawling. I can barely read it myself. Sufficient to say, this was the act of an amateur, mentioning one of her cohorts by name (Michael.) Also, enlisting the help of a friend of mine (Michael,) much less one that I've known since 4th grade, is not what I'd call a master stroke. The note did smell very nice, however, so I'll give her that.

But that is all I will give her.

After taking the note to my crime lab (my room) I was able to compose this sketch of what this mysterious "Connowlsseur" looks like.

I do NOT take orders from people with poop in their pants unless they did it ironically.

I was just about ready to hang up the old owl related greeting card hat and chaps (yes I do own those) until this happened.

This blog is just getting started.

What started as a simple 12 hour owl related greeting card challenge has apparently escalated into a full-out owl related greeting card war. A war that, I'm certain, will leave nobody walking away victorious except me.

And now I invite you, my friends, to follow this blog, or at least check back every week, to see how the coming nightmare will unfold. Until next week, I will leave you this CHARMING and HILARIOUS owl related greeting card. (Hopefully this will wake up my new nemesis, who I'll begin referring to as "Connie", and convince her and Michael to get out of the owl related greeting card game before they get in too deep.)

For the Germans

I couldn't help but notice that, firstly, of the 5000 hits this blog has so far, 4000 of them are from "Reddit".

I do not know what "Reddit" is.

On top of that, I have noticed that a good amount of traffic is from Germany, my favorite member of the EU (barring Moldova.) In as such, I am going to attempt for the first time to do a very special German owl related greeting card (Euleartverwandtgrußkarte.)

After all, as die Poeten say, in der Liebe und im Krieg ist "EULE"s erlaubt.

You try being clever in eine Fremdsprache.

OH and in case you were wondering...

I totally forgot to actually link to the owl related greeting card in question that my arch nemesis created that began this owl related greeting card shitstorm to begin with.

CLICK HERE IF YOU DARE

Thanks to me, neither you nor any of your loved ones (or step-children) will ever have to deal with this kind of insanity ever again.

You are welcome.

There is only one problem... after twelve hours of unrelenting owl related existense, sitting in the vacuum that remains, I feel... unfowlfilled. I'm afraid I have the sickness now, and it is an incurabowl one at that. Without an owl related song in my head and an owl related sketch on the page I am empty. There is nothing left but the resonant sound of the word "owl" ringing over and over and over again through the arid mesa that is my soul.

DO NOT PRAY FOR ME.

THE OWLS HAVE TAKEN ME.

WILL THE OWL RELATED NIGHTMARE CONTINUE?

WE'LL FIND OUT...

...EVENTU"OWL"LLY.

FINAL HOUR

THIS IS IT, PEOPLE. 12 HOURS OF NOTHING BUT OWL RELATED GREETING CARDS.

I wish I could say it was easy, but damn.

So many owls.

Here's a handy owl related greeting card. There are several uses for this baby.

1. Informing patient of a terminal illness
2. Informing partner of break up or divorce
3. Adorable suicide note

But is that really "owl", folks?

THERE IS MORE.

Owl related greeting cards are like narcotics, in that the more of them you involve yourself with, the sicker you become. And part of that sickness is a compulsion to create MORE owl related greeting cards. Like, say...

BAM! It's called going abowlve and beyowlnd the call owlf duty. (Does anyone else think it looks like Welsh when I do that?) Here is one extra owl related greeting card with...

Two - TWO - TWO PUNS IN ONE.

That's it, right? Actually, there's one more thing I want to say.

Not technically an owl related greeting card. It's more like an owl related prescription drug ad. My one regret is that I didn't have enough time to redraw the logo as "Ciowlis". (They just come to me!)

There is one thing I will never regret, though.

I will NEVER regret creating this blog. I will never forget the strength, v"owl"or, and bravery that I mustered to devote twelve straight hours to the production of owl related greeting cards.

I am a hero.

And while my unnamed artist arch nemesis is yet to make her position clear on the resounding pounding she received courtesy of me and my owls today, I can only imagine she is somewhere in the night, poking a crackling hearth deep in the belly of a mansion she crafted from a whale carcass (as is her custom.) And as she sits there, back crooked and teeth sharpened, I should hope a cold chill is running down her spine. For you see, the elaborate dream she crafted for herself is over. A new dawn is rising over the canyon walls, children. And much like the tawny, silent wings of a great swooping owl, it covers us all.

It covers us OWL.

HOUR 12

ONE MORE HOUR.

I know it says "Hour 12", and it's a twelve hour challenge, but there was no zero hour.

THERE WAS NO ZERO HOUR.

HOUR 11

Well, the anonymous bestial deviant that has been harassing my family (and step-child) with her depraved collection of vaguely owlish, undoubtedly satanic scribblings continues to stonewall me. All I can do is fight through the pain, and fork over one more owl related greeting card.

Can I really finish the TWELVE HOUR OWL RELATED GREETING CARD CHALLENGE?

We'll see.

HOUR 10

Entering the Dub-Dub-DOUBLE digits. My eyes hurt and my mouth tastes like the word "owl". Still, these owl related greeting cards are better than your pieces of shit.

Deal with it.

SPECIAL 9.5 BONUS UPDATE

We'll find you yet, Owlsama.

HOUR 9

Nobody told this guy.

Reflections...

Well, I think I'm starting to lose my mind. When I entered into this challenge, I owlnestly honestly had no idea what kind of toll it would take on my gentle psyche.

ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT ARE OWLS.

I wish I could say I was being hyperbowlic hyperbolic and insincere, but

ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT ARE OWLS.

This may or may not be a dark omen. Don't ask me (or your step-child) for we are simple greeting card designers, frittering away our time combining common words with the word "owl."

The worst part is when I threatened my unnamed artist arch nemesis Marceli C. with the unrelenting 12 hour shower of owl related greeting cards, she seemed not to care.

How could you not care about this?

And so I speak to you now, plainly as ever, in order to state my intent to CONTINUE THE SEIGE.

MINE IS THE STRONGER WILL.
MINE ARE THE SUPERIOR OWL RELATED GREETING CARDS.
MINE IS THE FORCE VICTORIOUS.

Stay tuned for the rest of the OWL RELATED MADNESS as it develops.
For now, enjoy the portrait and inspirational quote of Thomas "OWL"va Edison, a hero and genius that I just made up.

"How the hell was I supposed to know people didn't want to live in houses made out of cement?"

Thomas "OWL"va Edison

HOUR 8

It's springtime, folks. Show your significant other (or step-child) how you feel about them by presenting them with a card that was designed and written by someone else.

HOUR 7

Have you ever seen a cuter way to tell your pig of an ex-wife that she may get full custody and the house, but she'll never get your money?
Order one today. Our "OWL"perators are standing by.

SPECIAL 6.5 BONUS UPDATE

Even closer to halfway than I was before. Did you know that owls are the only birds with teeth? Also, mammals give milk to their children. Owls let their children have soda. HA HA HA HA
THAT WAS H"OWL"LARIOUS

HOUR 6

Okay, starting to get a little worn out... starting to communicate strictly in owl puns (it's kind of terrib"OWL"...) covered in graphite, dreaming in owl... Hopefully I'll get my owl related greeting card revenge without becoming a total psych"OWL"path.

HOUR 5

Here's one to give to your child (or step-child) to remind them of the relationship between humans and birds. APPARENTLY BESTIALITY is what's "in" these days, so why not send your loved one (or step-child) this fine owl related greeting card.

Don't fuck owls.

HOUR 4

Here is a party owl. He's having a good time. He's having a HOOT. THIS IS HOW I DO IT. (Not really sure when you would send this one, though...)

SPECIAL 3.5 BONUS UPDATE

As a special 3.5 BONUS UPDATE here is an owl related graduation card. (Few people realize just how nutritious and bloody diplomas are.)

HOUR 3

This here is what we call an "advanced pun". It's gotta be at least level 27. (My artist arch nemesis wishes she had enough badges to train a pun like this.)

HOUR 2

Hour Two of the OWLpocalypse. (Never underestimate the talons of the owl. Not only are they the second pointiest sections of the owl, but they are also a delicacy in my imagination.)

HOUR 1

The first owl related greeting card that is better than my nemesis' owl related greeting card. This is a scene, of course, borrowed from the most romantic film of the 90's (Treehouse Hostage.)

MY OWLS ARE BETTER

Recently I have been slighted by one of the more infamous characters in the artistic scene today. To preface, let me say that I stay off of the internet, and certainly out of the blog-o-sphere, until certain actions necessitate my presence.

The action previously mentioned necessitates this blog.

I will not name the artist in question, but anonymous illustrator Marceli C. drew a horrible and offensive "greeting card" depicting a "lecherous phalanx" of deformed, pan-sexual "owls" claiming that they will "always love (me)."

Suddenly, insinuated bestiality is art.

I will not let this stand. The card is awful. The owls are creepy. The colors remind me of poop, and poop smells like crap. This isn't my first battle with the unnamed artist. In fact, she is something of an arch nemesis of mine.

But this is the first time I've created a blog solely to spite her.

Because I hate her, on Friday, May 20th, starting at noon, I will post an owl related greeting card of my own design every hour for twelve hours. They will be better than hers, they will be cuter than hers, and, most importantly, there will be twelve of them. SHE COULD ONLY COME UP WITH ONE.

THE OWL RELATED GREETING CARD SMACKDOWN COMMENCES AT HIGH NOON.

BE OWL-FRAID. BE VERY OWL-FRAID.