Monday, December 26, 2011

Happy HOOOlidays!

Hello dear readers (read: nobody.) This holiday season has been stressful for all of us. I happen to feel I've had a unique set of challenges in that I've made a conscious decision to embark on a Yuletide bender about a week ago. I am still going strong. As such, here is this week's owl related greeting card (a Christmas one, no less!)


His name was Jesus. If you don't remember him, it's probably because this is the 21st century. (I will not go into detail regarding mine own personal religious opinions. For other people's personal religious opinions, may I recommend the rest of the Internet?) I celebrated my Christmas in the way of our founding fathers. I forgot about it until it came, at which point I celebrated with modesty and alcohol. The only difference was that I got the 25th off from work. I hope you had a merry Christmas. If you had a happy Hanukkah, then your beliefs are wrong.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Ding, Dong; Ding, Dong

Christmas is on Sunday, folks. I haven't bought any presents yet. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I've been spending this time stealing things from my loved ones. This is a cherished tradition for me (and me alone,) but once I stole that Matisse from my buddy Rod three years ago, I've found that I don't know anyone that owns anything heist-worthy. As one could imagine, this fills me with an inescapable ennui every Christmas; an emptiness that can only be filled with exotic flavors of Mountain Dew. As such, I'll mince no further words, and introduce this week's owl related greeting card.


Now that that's over with, go out and SPEND MONEY ON MATERIAL POSSESSIONS AND MODESTLY PRICED SPARKLING WINE!

Monday, December 12, 2011

A Christmas Reminder

The days until CHRISTmas are winding down faster than a Jesus on his way to Armageddon (the biblical end of the world, not the movie. It should be noted, however, that everybody loves Armageddon. Technically, this includes Jesus.) This is a very important time for you to have this card in your OWLrsenal.


Guilt trips are what this season was made for. Just make sure that you present this to someone who you actually know is an alcoholic. Plenty of people appear to be alcoholics this time of year, but they are simply the type of person who maintains an inebriated numbness from Thanksgiving to New Years because they work retail. (Also, regardless as to what the card literally implies, do not present this card to an OWLcoholic. These are lost souls who are chemically tolerant to the point that the only thing that gives them a buzz anymore is an elixir of macerated and fermented owl chunks. These people are beyond help, and you need to mind your own business.)

Monday, December 5, 2011

Here comes the Jew-Jew Train

I'm pretty sure Cchanukkkahh (or Haanuckah as some call it) is either going on right now or is coming some time soon. Either way, I feel I should do my duty as a greeting cardier and present to you the official MOAB Chhhanankaha card.


Chronica is immensely sacred to people, such as myself, who are of the Judaic faith (not to say that I'm Jewish; it's simply that I have a great amount of faith in Jews.) As a person who is not, and has never, been affiliated with the Hebraic, my knowledge of Jewunankahhh is limited to that one special episode of Rugrats where they were looking for the "Meanie of Channnuahaca."

AS SUCH, I WILL NOW TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HOWJUNKAH.

Every year, for no more than 12 and no less than 5 days (and nights) Jews gather together to put on big baby costumes and wander around recreation centers looking to pick a fight with any elderly person who bears a grudge against their collective "Grampa Pickles."

THIS USUALLY ENDS IN BLOOD-SHED.

Along the way, they stop occasionally to make potato pancakes. (This is just dumb. The best case scenario is that they are making pancakes intended for potatoes. Why do they do this? Potatoes don't eat pancakes. The worst case scenario is that they are making pancakes out of DIRT VEGETABLES. Yes, potatoes are dirt vegetables. There are holier vegetables to be reaped; one must simply go to Walmart and search for anything that doesn't look like prehistoric scat.)

They drink Manischewitz (pronounced Man-uh-shwumble-dumble) Wine. Manischewitz Wine is the best wine ever. It is the Juicy Juice of wines. If you don't believe me, drink an entire bottle by yourself, disregarding any bodily (or legal) impulse to stop.

The Menorah is a candleabra that is designed to resemble the mythical claws of the ancient monster the Jews called "God."

Children are given dreidels to spin. The outcome of the spin is gambled upon by participants. Children are also given tiny roulette wheels and little transparent green visors. The occasional family has been known to give their children dice, and, on nice evenings, send them and their dice out to the alleyway to use their dice to play the ancient dice game called "Dice." Children are also given baby-sized switchblades to keep each other honest.

They DON'T READ THE BIBLE.

On the last night of Chaunkaka, after the festivities are closed and the presents are open, every Jew goes to bed nice and early so that they can wake up the next day and finish up their Christmas shopping.

So that's everything I know about the holiday. Fortunately you don't need to know a lot about Chanukkah to make a greeting card about it.