Monday, June 27, 2011

Owl Related Government Contracts: Der Vierte

Here is my fourth and final installment in the Owl Related Government Contract series.


This could almost be considered a greeting card of sorts. Naturally, capital punishment in the states requires a certain number of witnesses to be present in order to be legal. But how do medical professionals, lawyers, clergymen, or loved ones get the memo that they get to be one of the few to witness a rare instance of legalized murder? With this little fuzzy guy, of course! No one who has ever witnessed a state execution will say (out loud) that they felt anything but grim reverence in their legal obligation. But maybe if a state or two would pick up my design, the mood might lighten a little bit. (Look! He's wearing a tiny party hat!)

Might some people see this as a disturbing omen of the invisible trend of increased spectatorship in the American penal system? I think not. It's simply a way of summoning professionals in a way that, gosh-darnit, makes people smile on a rainy day. (Look! HE'S WEARING A TINY PARTY HAT.) If you're looking for a real indication of America's latent yet gradually re-emerging fixation on the burlesque aspects of the justice system, watch MSNBC on the weekends and TruTV at any other moment.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Owl Related Government Contracts: Das Drittel

Well, here's the next design I want to pitch to the government. It's more of a public service announcement than a greeting card, but I think you'll see.


In all the time I've spent on the DC Metro (I'd estimate at LEAST 2 years and 3 months when put all together,) I've never encountered poop. I have, however, encountered smells. Smells than no one can explain, without, of course, suggesting that there are people who poop in their pants on the Metro. Which is fine, I guess, but those cars get really crowded really quick. They get hot and damp, and during those busy times it's impossible to not dry hump the seven people surrounding you every time the train moves.

And let me be clear, there is a point that I cannot over-emphasize enough...

I love to dry hump strangers.

But strangers with poop in their pants? In our nation's capital? Unacceptabowl. Hopefully the powers that be in the great masonic District of Columbia will notice this AWESOME POSTER and start putting them at every Metro stop. (I've already released several Great Grey Owls into the Kennedy Center in an attempt to create what I call "buzz." Sadly, the few that have survived this long have begun to terrorize the cast of Wicked in misguided and sometimes tragically successful undertakings to wound and feed upon the smaller actors and children.)

See ya next Monday!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

GUEST BLOGGING UPDATE!

Guess what? My friend Aarthi at Adventures of a Business Major has made a grave mistake and has assigned me to write for her blog tomorrow. Don't miss me teaching you and your step-children how a pro turns macroeconomics into a slam dunk!


No, it won't have anything to do with owls.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Owl Related Government Contracts: Das Zweitel

Here comes the second part of this theme month. Needless to say, it is another document I plan on pitching to the government.

Here is a great little note that the police department could send in place of whatever it is they do now. Think about it, would you rather have some schlubby meter maid come up to your door to give you the worst news of your life, or have this adorable little cuddle bug (Constab"owl" Featherfanny) give you the worst news of your life AS WELL AS UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER?

THERE IS NO COMPARISON.

If you are in charge of any city's police or constabulatory forces and are interested in contracting my FANTASTIC DESIGN, give me a call at 1-800-CALLATT because I want to know if that number still does anything.

(And for those of you wondering about the Connowlsseur, neither she nor her unaffiliated and unnamed lackey, Michael, have contacted me... yet. Perhaps they know better than to bother me during theme month.)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

BONUS WEDNESDAY VIDEO UPDATE

The Connowlsseur has returned! Yes, my latest owl related greeting card related rival has resurfaced to leave another disturbing piece of "art" coiled on my lawn.


Sweet Jesus, what the hell is this??? Seriously, somebody tell me what the hell is going on in this picture? As far as I can discern, it appears to be some type of (yet to be discovered) bearded owl. The owl is having difficulty maintaining the size and proportions of his terrifying iris-es, so he resorts to putting a wing to the wind and putting a retarded fedora on his head. (The careful observer might also notice the owl has a GHOST BALLOON tied to his lefternmost talon.) If she truly intends this to be a greeting card, I only hope it's the kind that you send to dying strangers to serve as a portent of death, much like the shriek of a banshee, or the Shrek of the Third.

I also found this.


Firstly, I don't believe she is sorry about anything. Secondly, I have no idea who (or what) "Sabbaticowl" is. Is it the name of her mangy steed, flying her across the country on his hulking mass of sinewy bones? Or is it the name of a lover, flying her across his (or her) genitals on his (or her) hulking mass of sinewy bones?

I know sinewy bones are involved somehow.

Or, more diabolic"OWL" still... could "Sabbaticowl" be some kind of drug? A pill you take when you simply can't come up with a single, coherent owl pun?

I THOUGHT WE WERE KEEPING THIS CLEAN, CONNOWLSSEUR. God knows the only recreational substances I ever touch are my famous bleach milkshakes, and they're more like performance debilitating drugs than performance enhancing. IF YOU ARE JUICING, CONNOWLSSEUR, just pee somewhere. I got a big lawn.

And if I may say, Connowlsseur, you are fooling no one with your cut out, upside down "M".

Do you really expect me to believe there were no "W"s anywhere?

Better luck next time.

And now... a video of me opening a paycheck.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Owl Related Government Contracts

Good news, everybody! It appears that Connie the Connowlsseur is in a state of remission at the moment. Who knows how long this temporary cease fire will last. Hopefully forever, but what are the "OWL"dds of that happening? I think I'll take advantage of this uneasy truce to get this new month started right. And by right, I mean...

...THEMATICALLY.

So here's the first draft in a series of documents I plan to pitch to various government sectors.


This is the top half of a redesigned jury summons for the city of Los Angeles. Everyone hates jury duty now, but imagine if you were told to appear before the Los Angeles Court of Appeals...

...BY AN OWL.

WITH A TIE.

So if you're a mayor, or something retarded like that, convo me about what I can do to make your city a better place to live through the power of owls.