Monday, April 23, 2012

The Second to Last ORGC EVER

Now that this blog is a week away from shutting down forever, I'd like to offer up an owl related greeting card that probably would be more useful to me than it would to you.


You see, I do many, many regrettable things. This generally wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that I never realize that I've done something awful to someone else until at least a week after the fact. Since our time together is brief, I cannot afford to apologize to every person that I have hurt. I feel instead that it would be far easier to simply list the things that I will NEVER apologize for, and if what I did to you is not on the list, then consider yourself apologized to.


Scott will never apologize for...

...cutting in front of those ladies at Gloria's to get my margarita first. (THE BARTENDER MADE EYE CONTACT WITH ME.)

...going to Washington, D.C. and telling that John Adams impersonator that he looked like a zombie Liberace.

...yelling at Oprah's motorcade.

...breaking that accordion.

...peeing in the sink.

...getting drunk and trying to make friends with that wedding party in St. Louis. (They should've been happy I wasn't trying to make ENEMIES with them.)

...yelling in the middle of that cookware demonstration.

...making a poorly recieved joke about Pakistan at the school talent show.


I feel a lot better about myself now, especially since now I no longer have to personally apologize to any of you jerks. A little catharsis is always therapeutic.

Make sure you tune in next week for the LAST OWL RELATED GREETING CARD EVER.

THERE WILL BE NO APOLOGIES.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Coming Out of the Gates

The applications for this week's card should be obvious.


If you are any combination of L, B, and/or G, then you probably are aware of how awkward it is to tell your family and friends that you are a combination of L, B, and/or G. With this card, the awkwardness is whisked away. Simply deliver this card to those WASPy parents of yours, and watch as the owl does the talking for you. Your father can't yell obscenities at a greeting card and your mother can't stare blankly, confusedly, and sadly at a cartoon owl in a vest!

OR...

Perhaps you've made a crucial misstep in the world of romance, and you must break it off with a paramour with feelings on both sides remaining intact. Telling her or him that you're gay is the oldest trick in the book, and makes you look like an idiot. HOWEVER, IF YOU TELL HIM OR HER THAT YOU'RE GAY AND YOU HAVE AN OWL RELATED GREETING CARD TO PROVE IT, THEN SHE OR HE WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO BELIEVE YOU AND TO STOP TEXTING YOU!

ALSO...

This card would also be a great invitation to a coming-out party so that your guests will know long in advance exactly what they have in store.

Who would have thought that one simple card would have so many uses?

I DID.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Here Comes Peter CottontOWL

Easter is a pretty nice holiday. It's not as big as Christmas, but it's not as small as Veteran's Day. It's right in the midddle, and I appreciate that. But my favorite thing about Easter still is, and always will be, buying discounted candy after the holiday is through. I've been doing it since I've had a driver's license, and have been trying to spread the joy to my friends by telling them of this practice or inviting them to come along. Shocking few of them, it seemed, participated in the past.

...But not this guy. I never EVER pass up Easter candy, the finest of all candy. The genre of candy known as "Easter" has three of the best things invented included in its description: jelly beans, Cadbury cream eggs (ORIGINAL, NOT ORANGE OR CARAMEL OR MINI. IF YOU MENTION ANY OTHER VARIANT OF CADBURY EGG TO ME I WILL SHRIEK AT YOU. I WILL SHRIEK LIKE A DEMENTED GRACKLE UNTIL YOU LEAVE MY IMMEDIATE FIELD OF VISION) and marshmallow Peeps.

This year was no different from any other, in that, in one explosive, self-detrimental display, I heaved home two mighty sacks full of twenty dollars worth of clearance candy with the intent of having breakfast for the rest of the semester planned out already (it will be PEEPS.) In fact, here's an imagined dialogue that might happen if I told someone about my intentions.

Scott: Yo man, I just had Reese's for breakfast!

Man: You had candy for breakfast?

Scott: YES!

IT HAS HAPPENED BEFORE AND IT SHALL HAPPEN AGAIN. THIS IS WHAT SPRINGTIME IS TO ME NOW. THIS IS ALL THAT IT IS AND ALL THAT IT EVER WILL BE AGAIN.

SO in spirit of the story of the resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth, here's an owl related greeting card that I'm sure will apply, at very least, to me (and maybe you) sometime after my (or your) third bag of Hershey's Minis.

Monday, April 2, 2012

A Warm WOWLcome

In the spirit of the return of the long promised springtime, here's this week's owl related greeting card.


This would be a great card to give to a former employee who got frustrated and quit but had to come back after a couple of months because he couldn't find anywhere else to work. I can imagine no finer way to patronize an adult. This would also be great for a parent to give to a child who, after moving out, has to move back in after realizing that everything costs money. I can imagine no finer way to patronize an adult. This is also a great card to give to any tremendously dear friend who returns home to seek asylum from the bleak, boggy madness that is Arkansas, even if she can only stay for three months before being carted back in a cage hewn from elk cadavers and window decals of Calvin either peeing on the Quran or praying with cowboys.