Monday, July 25, 2011

July Finale

In these summer months, it is not always easy for one to wax poetic on the nature of romance. For those of you lucky enough to be with the special person who accompanies you through the vast, indistinct hellscape that is summer (and the vast, indistinct hellscapes that are the other three seasons,) consider this card as a special tribute.


Naturally, the educated greeter will recognize the message of this card as being borrowed from the lyrics of one of my favorite Olivia Newton John songs. (Those of you not familiar with Olivia Newton John, or "OLIVOJO" as I call her, would be wise to review this brief biography. Born into squalor in the Australian Outback, Olivojo would go on to graduate from Rydell High in 1959 at the age of 30. She eloped with her life-mate, the beefy 24 year old high school senior John Travolta, and proceeded to fly into space with him in a rocket car. Tragically, the vessel was a convertible. Neither was ever seen again. All that remains of the legend of Olivojo are various number one hits, which I will now begin singing in my head. Also, I have never dressed up as her.)

More to the point, while not everyone desires romance, I hope that all of you who seek it find some "summer lovin'" of your own. Spring may be the stereotypical season of passion, but I have to believe summer is better. It's the special time of year where someone can find someone to watch reruns with and can get naked in front of without having to care. (Also, fireworks and alternating designated driver duties.) So happy summer, everybody. Try not to die.


(OWLivia Newton John wants to get physicOWL with you!)

Also, happy birthday Merv Griffin! Here's a Jeopardy answer for you...

"The animal who's name is derived from the Dutch translation for 'Earth Pig.'"

The question?

"What god would allow a human as repulsive and vile as Merv Damned Griffin to live in sin and filth for so long before righteously plucking him from the planet and dropping him down into the festering pits of everlasting Hell where, in an example of the only injustice found in the divine castings of eternal damnation, he decays slowly in a pit of bile and blood that is twice as massive as the gardens of heaven themselves, and yet is only a fraction of the size of the mountainous turd he excreted on the cultural landscape of the world and visible universe by simply existing for years far too long and far too 'Merv-y'"

Monday, July 18, 2011

A History in Owl"OWL"ogy

Well, here's this week's owl related greeting card.


This card is perfect for two occasions.

1. You want to tell your sweetheart how excited he/she makes you.

2. You want to give your sweetheart a greeting card that seems cute at first but becomes eerily relevant after he/she is electrocuted to death.

Oddly enough, this reminds me of one of the darker moments in the history of America. Before the advent of the lethal injection and the pneumo-noose, state and federal executions were enacted through means of what was known as the "Owl-lectric Chair." Here are some original plans for a later model.

In these executions, the prisoner would be shackled to the metal frame of the chair itself. The chair operators would then slowly lower the owl onto the head of the condemned. The operators would leave and seal the chamber, and retreat to the witness gallery. The owl would then begin to ask the prisoner if he had ever seen Jeff Dunhman doing his Achmed the Dead Terrorist bit. At this point the owl would begin detailing the comedy routine, including his fractured impression of the puppet saying "I KeeeEEl you!" In theory, this is a fate worse than death, which is to say, being strapped to a chair while somebody describes a stand up comedy routine to you (Jeff Dunham, no less.) This form of execution was eventually found to be unconstitutional (cruel and unusual punishment,) ineffective (failed to actually kill the prisoner,) and a violation of the intellectual properties of Jeff Dunham. Another design was tested, wherein the owl was bombarded with an amount of electricity that was three times larger than a lethal charge, but it was decided that owls don't conduct electricity very well. Eventually, many states decided simply to go with the form of execution that many are familiar with; the traditional shoving of an owl into the mouth of the condemned until they both die. (In fact, Massachustes and Vermont are the only states that still don't employ this method of capital punishment.)

Also, Happy Birthday Merv Griffin! I certainly hope no one's keepin' you from buying a vowel in HELL.

Solve this puzzle, turd-diddler...

MERV GR_FF_N HAS SH_T FOR BRA_NS

Monday, July 11, 2011

Owl Related Video Greeting Card!

Ladies and gentlemen, here is the first ever Owl Related Video Greeting Card.

Welcome to the future.



I animated this using my now bleeding fingers and Gimp. I feel sick.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy "Independence" Day!

Oddly enough, a holiday is actually taking place on a Monday this year, making this week's owl related greeting card eerily appropriate.


Here we see a red blooded American owl in all the trappings of your average American citizen. He is rocking the traditional sombrero, moustache, and random maracas that have in recent years become inseparable facets of the American heartland. (Not pictured: Laziness, xenophobia, oft-recurring heart murmurs, gun, and horribly unpleasant yet confoundingly condescending wife.) Just think, a scant 240 years ago a bunch of people got together to write a very passive aggressive note that contained no legal legitimacy or obligation and sent it to some guy, somehow guaranteeing independence for the larger part of the Atlantic coast. It must have worked, though, or else I wouldn't be drunk right now. So God bless those guys who's names escape me! And God bless the other nations of the world and North American indigenous peoples for being generous enough to either surrender or die quietly so that a bunch of people they'd never met could hold dominion over places as vibrant and beautiful as Tulsa and Boise. After all, what we must remember for today only is that freedom isn't free, but odds are you weren't the one paying for it. Now who wants a margarita? (Check your inbox. You can email those now.)