Monday, November 28, 2011

LORDY LORDY; LOOK WHO'S 52

Tonight  is a very special day here at MOAB. This post, according to my calculations, is the 52nd post of this blog. Since I update weekly, that means that this is my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY!

Can you really believe that, one year ago today, on that frosty May morning, I began the 12 hour owl related greeting card challenge?

NO, YOU CAN NOT.

So much has changed since then. The biggest, of course, being the fact that when I started this blog, readers were scarce. Now that the blog (and myself, frankly) have had a chance to mature, there are no readers.

Here's a great anniversary card. It reaffirms your love for whomever it is handed to, and, in the purposes of this blog, reaffirms the fact that I would never change what happened a year ago; and would do it all over again in a heart-beat because I have a mental sickness.


And now, in honor of it being the 52nd post, I have an EXTRA SPECIAL OWL RELATED TREAT FOR ALL THE PEOPLE THAT ACTUALLY READ WORDS AND DON'T JUST LOOK AT PICTURES! I recently came across a recording from a lost episode of the monstrously unpopular UPN sitcom "Owl City." Since a lot of you are probably unfamiliar with "Owl City," I'll fill you in on a few fun facts.

1. The premise is that an owl is living in an apartment. (It sounds dull, but it's zany when you think about it. Who would rent an apartment to an owl?)
2. Many episodes were made, but few of them lasted longer than four minutes, even with commercials.
3. People often wonder why a multi-camera sitcom like this would not feature a laugh track. The simple answer is that it was actually filmed in front of a live studio audience, but they never actually laughed.



Well, that's it. Happy anniversary, dear reader. May we continue to consummate each other, over and over again, long after the guard has told us to stop four times and no longer cares.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Holiday Season

I feel that, at this point, I can call myself a seasoned greeting card creator. I've been doing this for far longer than twelve hours now, and I plan to keep going for at least twelve more hours. As a greeting card veteran, I am excited by the bounty that the calendar has been heaping upon me lately. All within a few mere weeks of each other lie the Big Six Holidays of America, or, as I call them, "The Big Six." These are Hallowe'en, Thanks Giving, Chanukkkahhjewh, CHRISTmas, Kwanzar, and New Years Rockin' Eve. Although the weather outside is slowly building into the force that, simply by being so frightful, makes you question the value of life every year, there are still six (BIG) reasons why you should be happy, thankful, or Jewish.

And so, this being Thanks Giving Week, I'd like to take this moment to remind everyone about divorce.


Divorce isn't just a Spring Fling, folks.

On a lighter note, I hope you all have Thanks Giving Days that are happy, but not as nice as mine, as that would make me feel bad about myself. I plan on preparing the traditional Thanks Giving meal that our American ancestors enjoyed during their third year in the New World. What follows is the menu, exactly as it appeared for the third Thanks Giving.

Aperitif: Pig Schnapps

Entree: Nothing

Second Course: A Gigantic, Pre-Historic Lobster Stuffed Inside An Eel That Is Slightly Larger Than The Lobster

Main Course: Human Chops

Salad Course: Milk-Weed Drizzled In A Water Vinaigrette

Dessert Course: Nothing

It is after this that the revelers will retreat to the Sitting Area (if you were a colonist and couldn't remember where the Sitting Area in your house was, it was probably the corner where there weren't any corpses.) Laughter and mirth unfold as the guests recline in their burning-ember-filled ditches, sipping warm glasses of tobacco leaves. They retell their fondest memories of life in the Old World, where comfort, though not abundant, seemed nonetheless closer. They recall the days of summer, when the sun shone and that one guy had not yet been eaten by them. They sing of the possibilities that await them in this great frontier and expound their thanks to their Creator, who, through providence and generosity unending, allowed each and every one of the hopeful and grateful pilgrims gathered together to not be the one that dies of consumption and is either fed to the hogs or used as building material.

I try to recreate this every year (except for the cannibalism ((as far as you know.))) It doesn't work too well because I have no friends, and Pig Schnapps is hard to render without a really, really big hammer.

Happy Thanks Giving! I'll leave you with a few words from the late Andy Rooney, which, in this season of thanks and rememberance, tug at a certain part of the collective heart-strings of all of us.

"Why do fruit need stickers? Who's putting stickers on the fruit? Sometimes I eat the stickers on accident."

-Andy Rooney

Monday, November 14, 2011

Dignified sOWLemnity.

As you may or may not be aware, last Friday was Veteran's Day in the United States. I had always thought it was supposed to be a day about reverent introspection upon those who defend our way of life. Apparently I've been doing it wrong. In America, as I've gradually discovered, Veteran's Day is the day where everybody, young and old alike, make an ambiguous and empty sentiment about anything patriotic on their Facebook status, and wait for the attention to wash over them like a wave of sweet tiger's milk.

This irks me.

But there is one thing that is far, far worse. This is the surest sign of the death of a holiday's meaning; and is the largest reason any given day of rememberance is destined for frivolity.

The worst thing you could ever do on a day like Veteran's Day is have a sale.

Suddenly the only thing veterans and active service members are good for is peddling mismatched box springs and transmission flushes. I honestly had no idea that this was going on until I flipped across page after page of Veteran's Day sales ads in the paper (I might add that this is one more reason why I feel that illiteracy is AWSUM!!!) This is a frustrating development that I've stumbled upon. In this post I was planning on giving you some fun and funky ways to decorate for VDay; or talk about how 11/11/11 will never happen again in our lifetimes (this is kind of cool, and technically true; but I'd be more impressed if it was actually the year 11.) Instead, I'll leave you my most poignant and haunting owl related greeting card yet; just in time for the Monday after Veteran's Day.


THIS DAY IN HISTORY (LITERALLY) NOV 14  2011: Scott tries to eat bowl of Frankenberry cereal, begins gagging after a few spoonfuls, questions what he will do with rest of box.

Monday, November 7, 2011

November.

So, I am in the process of rebuilding the blog we all know and tolerate after the nightmare that was OctCROWber. As you may or may not know, however, the current month is NOVEMBER. Which, of course, means CHRISTMAS!

I love Christmas, but I also happen to love food. So, technically, I love Thanksgiving too. To this effect, I give you my owl related greeting card related effort to bring back Dia de los Gobble.


Take THAT, Christmas. Maybe next year you'll stay in your own month.

(I should mention that I am writing this in great haste. My sponsor and corporate overlord, which I shall refer to as GAMESPLOT, needs me to be at work very soon. To celebrate my resentment of this fact, here's a message from our friend, GAMESPLOT.)

GAMESPLOT WANTS YOU TO POWER-UP YOUR EPIC REWARD PRE-ORDER!
RESERVE YOUR HARDENED DLC IS COMING TO POWER THE PLAY PLAY!
GAMESPLOT! GAMESPLOT! DOUBLE XP POINTS SCOOBY DOOBY!
MAP PACK DOWNLOADABLE FARTS!
MW3 POOP IN YOUR PANTS!
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