A History in Owl"OWL"ogy

Well, here's this week's owl related greeting card.

This card is perfect for two occasions.

1. You want to tell your sweetheart how excited he/she makes you.

2. You want to give your sweetheart a greeting card that seems cute at first but becomes eerily relevant after he/she is electrocuted to death.

Oddly enough, this reminds me of one of the darker moments in the history of America. Before the advent of the lethal injection and the pneumo-noose, state and federal executions were enacted through means of what was known as the "Owl-lectric Chair." Here are some original plans for a later model.

In these executions, the prisoner would be shackled to the metal frame of the chair itself. The chair operators would then slowly lower the owl onto the head of the condemned. The operators would leave and seal the chamber, and retreat to the witness gallery. The owl would then begin to ask the prisoner if he had ever seen Jeff Dunhman doing his Achmed the Dead Terrorist bit. At this point the owl would begin detailing the comedy routine, including his fractured impression of the puppet saying "I KeeeEEl you!" In theory, this is a fate worse than death, which is to say, being strapped to a chair while somebody describes a stand up comedy routine to you (Jeff Dunham, no less.) This form of execution was eventually found to be unconstitutional (cruel and unusual punishment,) ineffective (failed to actually kill the prisoner,) and a violation of the intellectual properties of Jeff Dunham. Another design was tested, wherein the owl was bombarded with an amount of electricity that was three times larger than a lethal charge, but it was decided that owls don't conduct electricity very well. Eventually, many states decided simply to go with the form of execution that many are familiar with; the traditional shoving of an owl into the mouth of the condemned until they both die. (In fact, Massachustes and Vermont are the only states that still don't employ this method of capital punishment.)

Also, Happy Birthday Merv Griffin! I certainly hope no one's keepin' you from buying a vowel in HELL.

Solve this puzzle, turd-diddler...

MERV GR_FF_N HAS SH_T FOR BRA_NS