Holiday Season

I feel that, at this point, I can call myself a seasoned greeting card creator. I've been doing this for far longer than twelve hours now, and I plan to keep going for at least twelve more hours. As a greeting card veteran, I am excited by the bounty that the calendar has been heaping upon me lately. All within a few mere weeks of each other lie the Big Six Holidays of America, or, as I call them, "The Big Six." These are Hallowe'en, Thanks Giving, Chanukkkahhjewh, CHRISTmas, Kwanzar, and New Years Rockin' Eve. Although the weather outside is slowly building into the force that, simply by being so frightful, makes you question the value of life every year, there are still six (BIG) reasons why you should be happy, thankful, or Jewish.

And so, this being Thanks Giving Week, I'd like to take this moment to remind everyone about divorce.

Divorce isn't just a Spring Fling, folks.

On a lighter note, I hope you all have Thanks Giving Days that are happy, but not as nice as mine, as that would make me feel bad about myself. I plan on preparing the traditional Thanks Giving meal that our American ancestors enjoyed during their third year in the New World. What follows is the menu, exactly as it appeared for the third Thanks Giving.

Aperitif: Pig Schnapps

Entree: Nothing

Second Course: A Gigantic, Pre-Historic Lobster Stuffed Inside An Eel That Is Slightly Larger Than The Lobster

Main Course: Human Chops

Salad Course: Milk-Weed Drizzled In A Water Vinaigrette

Dessert Course: Nothing

It is after this that the revelers will retreat to the Sitting Area (if you were a colonist and couldn't remember where the Sitting Area in your house was, it was probably the corner where there weren't any corpses.) Laughter and mirth unfold as the guests recline in their burning-ember-filled ditches, sipping warm glasses of tobacco leaves. They retell their fondest memories of life in the Old World, where comfort, though not abundant, seemed nonetheless closer. They recall the days of summer, when the sun shone and that one guy had not yet been eaten by them. They sing of the possibilities that await them in this great frontier and expound their thanks to their Creator, who, through providence and generosity unending, allowed each and every one of the hopeful and grateful pilgrims gathered together to not be the one that dies of consumption and is either fed to the hogs or used as building material.

I try to recreate this every year (except for the cannibalism ((as far as you know.))) It doesn't work too well because I have no friends, and Pig Schnapps is hard to render without a really, really big hammer.

Happy Thanks Giving! I'll leave you with a few words from the late Andy Rooney, which, in this season of thanks and rememberance, tug at a certain part of the collective heart-strings of all of us.

"Why do fruit need stickers? Who's putting stickers on the fruit? Sometimes I eat the stickers on accident."

-Andy Rooney