Here comes the Jew-Jew Train

I'm pretty sure Cchanukkkahh (or Haanuckah as some call it) is either going on right now or is coming some time soon. Either way, I feel I should do my duty as a greeting cardier and present to you the official MOAB Chhhanankaha card.

Chronica is immensely sacred to people, such as myself, who are of the Judaic faith (not to say that I'm Jewish; it's simply that I have a great amount of faith in Jews.) As a person who is not, and has never, been affiliated with the Hebraic, my knowledge of Jewunankahhh is limited to that one special episode of Rugrats where they were looking for the "Meanie of Channnuahaca."

AS SUCH, I WILL NOW TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HOWJUNKAH.

Every year, for no more than 12 and no less than 5 days (and nights) Jews gather together to put on big baby costumes and wander around recreation centers looking to pick a fight with any elderly person who bears a grudge against their collective "Grampa Pickles."

THIS USUALLY ENDS IN BLOOD-SHED.

Along the way, they stop occasionally to make potato pancakes. (This is just dumb. The best case scenario is that they are making pancakes intended for potatoes. Why do they do this? Potatoes don't eat pancakes. The worst case scenario is that they are making pancakes out of DIRT VEGETABLES. Yes, potatoes are dirt vegetables. There are holier vegetables to be reaped; one must simply go to Walmart and search for anything that doesn't look like prehistoric scat.)

They drink Manischewitz (pronounced Man-uh-shwumble-dumble) Wine. Manischewitz Wine is the best wine ever. It is the Juicy Juice of wines. If you don't believe me, drink an entire bottle by yourself, disregarding any bodily (or legal) impulse to stop.

The Menorah is a candleabra that is designed to resemble the mythical claws of the ancient monster the Jews called "God."

Children are given dreidels to spin. The outcome of the spin is gambled upon by participants. Children are also given tiny roulette wheels and little transparent green visors. The occasional family has been known to give their children dice, and, on nice evenings, send them and their dice out to the alleyway to use their dice to play the ancient dice game called "Dice." Children are also given baby-sized switchblades to keep each other honest.

They DON'T READ THE BIBLE.

On the last night of Chaunkaka, after the festivities are closed and the presents are open, every Jew goes to bed nice and early so that they can wake up the next day and finish up their Christmas shopping.

So that's everything I know about the holiday. Fortunately you don't need to know a lot about Chanukkah to make a greeting card about it.