I'm just not that into yHOOO!

This week's card falls under a category that is truly dear to my heart; Greeting Cards Designed For Awkward Situations That Do Not Already Have Greeting Cards Associated With Them.

If you have ever been an unrequited love-ee, then you understand the challenge associated with rebuffing the amorous advances of a platonic chum while maintaining a cordial and important friendship. As with all my owls, this one serves as a messenger so cuddly that no one would dare shoot it (unless that person was an owl hunter; and if you are an owl hunter then I sincerely hope that someone breaks into your house and kills you for sport.) Situations where a friend pitches unwanted woo at you are tricky to navigate, especially if you are seriously concerned about hurting the feelings of the other party. This card aims to get the point across with zero confusion while sparing the feelings of the friend by including such features as A DRAWING OF AN OWL and A HILARIOUS OWL PUN. Never again will you have to deal with uncomfortable tension so long as your friend has the '411' on your level of attraction to him or her. He or she can't call you out for leading him or her on, he or she can't pull the Mixed Messages card, and by nipping the problem in the bud, normal people like me don't have to worry about your friend ruining the internet by forcing all of us to wade through miles and miles of the word "Friendzone." Best of all, the friendship will remain largely intact, and might even flourish after a mutual love of owls is discovered.

This card is also great for clubbin', as it is a simple, nonverbal message to whoever it is that is trying to hump your leg that you are just not that into him or her. The only problem is that women might have difficulty squeezing several large greeting cards into clutches or their cleavage. Men would have to employ club-spec briefcases or use their cleavage. (For any gender, I recommend using specially tailored and fitted Greeting Card Totes; the kind that tenuously hug the front of your thigh. Nicer models feature 'No-Chafe' deer skin lining and also have a derringer slit.) Either way, these cards are fantastic and also stupid and not recommended for clubbin'.