You see, I do many, many regrettable things. This generally wouldn't be a problem except for the fact that I never realize that I've done something awful to someone else until at least a week after the fact. Since our time together is brief, I cannot afford to apologize to every person that I have hurt. I feel instead that it would be far easier to simply list the things that I will NEVER apologize for, and if what I did to you is not on the list, then consider yourself apologized to.
Scott will never apologize for...
...cutting in front of those ladies at Gloria's to get my margarita first. (THE BARTENDER MADE EYE CONTACT WITH ME.)
...going to Washington, D.C. and telling that John Adams impersonator that he looked like a zombie Liberace.
...yelling at Oprah's motorcade.
...breaking that accordion.
...peeing in the sink.
...getting drunk and trying to make friends with that wedding party in St. Louis. (They should've been happy I wasn't trying to make ENEMIES with them.)
...yelling in the middle of that cookware demonstration.
...making a poorly recieved joke about Pakistan at the school talent show.
I feel a lot better about myself now, especially since now I no longer have to personally apologize to any of you jerks. A little catharsis is always therapeutic.
Make sure you tune in next week for the LAST OWL RELATED GREETING CARD EVER.
THERE WILL BE NO APOLOGIES.
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