Adventures in Residency PART 5: Intimate Passion

Before I display my next cards, I'd like to take this moment to warn my readers that the following post contains adult situations (the sexual ones) and suggestive owls.

IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO SEE THESE, CAST YOUR COMPUTER TO THE FLOOR IMMEDIATELY, AND SCREAM "NOOO!!!"

Although it comprises the majority of issues with cohabitation, passive-aggressiveness and dishes are not the only things living partners or neighbors need to communicate about. There is only one other thing that must be discussed, and it is sex. Sex is defined by me as genital stimulation, and it is disgusting and ungodlike when it's not you. It is an irritating and sickening activity when you're not involved directly. And yet, when living with or around people, sex becomes an issue more frequently than wetland preservation ever will.

The act of "walking in" on people engaged in congress doesn't happen only in Woody Allen movies.

It happens in real life, too.

This is a misstep that is awkward for the sexual participants, the "walker-inner," (or WI,) and, tragically, happens all too often.

So I've created a nifty little card that you and your partner can hang on the outside of whatever facility you decide to slap around in that ensures no interlopers will ever have to see that weird birthmark of yours again.

This card is perfect for dorms, apartments, or hotels that want to carry 'Do Not Disturb' signs that don't suck hardcore. (Don't let the dotted line on the top turn you off; it looks like, once cut, it could only be hung on a doorknob. I realize that many of you do not have doorknobs. To accommodate you people I've tested it on pine boughs, tent flaps, aquarium glass, bead curtains, pickup truck tailgate handles, jail bars, zoo bars, bomb shelter door latches, the automatic doors at Target, as well as on spinning bookcases and candlesticks that are also levers, and can assure you that the card works best with doorknobs.)

This card serves as a classy update on the old college 'necktie on the doorknob or freshman' trick, since nobody who goes to college needs neckties.

Here's an alternate version if you're like most people I know.

I know this is the card for you because I know you do it, and what you do is WRONG and SINFUL. And while Jesus might not be happy, at least you can squeeze as you please without the fear of someone walking in on THAT. (Here's a tip; if you walk by a door and see this on the doorknob, do not kick your way in unless you remember to turn the flash on your camera on first. The flash will daze the self-molester, and make him trip over his pants.)

If you've never needed this next card, you've never had neighbors.

And that about wraps it up for this month. What can we expect in September? Probably the same crap.