Adventures in Residency PART 2

I was getting ready to do this week's owl update today the way I always do; by reading the newspaper from Saturday. Strangely enough, as I was scanning my horoscope (Capricorn, I is,) I noticed something strange about it.

I don't remember there being anything like that on Saturday, but I was asleep most of it.

Anyways, keeping in with this month's theme of roommates, here's a great passive aggressive greeting card for people who live together and are slowly starting to hate each other.

Trust me, guys, if there's one thing people dislike more than doing dishes, it's being reminded by someone (usually a woman, or "female,") to do the dishes. So instead of acting like the horrible, nagging shrew that you can feel yourself slowly becoming, leave this little cutie under your roommate's bedroom door.

PEOPLE LOVE IT WHEN YOU SLIP THINGS UNDER THEIR BEDROOM DOOR AND YOU LIVE IN THE SAME APARTMENT.

What many of you may not know is that the traditional soap-and-water-and-paraffin method of doing the dishes is starting to be seen by many as unnecessarily labor intensive and really waxy. Here's a tip from an old pro that I learned from when I worked at Graceland that you can use to wash the dishes without having to actually do the dishes.

1. Step 1: Coat your dishes in a mixture of one part molasses to two parts blood. (Don't ask me where to get the bood. All I'm going to say is that human blood works best. But again, I'm not telling you to do anything here, people.)

2. Step 2: Leave the blood and sugar caked dishes in a room that (and this is vital) your roommate uses, but only every once in a while.

3. Step 4: In a couple of days, that room will have become infested with various beetles and ants and possums that will have devoured the blood and molasses, as well as whatever gunk was on the dish.

5. Step 3: The dishes will be clean, but the animals will now have an insatiable thirst for human blood. This is your fault for using human blood. If you don't keep them fed, the beetles and ants will pick you to pieces before the sun rises in the morning. You won't feel anything, and you won't wake up until it's too late.

4. Step 3: Enjoy your sparkling clean dishes!

5. Step 3: Move.

But before I wrap things up... I was doing what I usually do on Mondays, (reading the funny pages from the Sunday before last,) when I stumbled upon this and couldn't stop laughing.

COMEDY GOLD.